Once I was up and in the air but now I'm down.
I'm an investment, I'm good, I'm great, I have so fucking much to offer but no one cares. I hate this, I hate knowing so much, I hate life, happiness and potential, I just want to be nothing as I deserve or everything as I have earned, why is this me? Why? Why? Why?
I'm not looking for pity, acknowledgement, noticed, effort, reality, something for all this. Why? Really, why? I don't get it, I want such simple pleasures, I'm so easily pleased, I'm true of heart, I love love, I am fueled by peace and happiness, I should be so great and successful, who hates me and why? I don't deserve this pathetic existence but it's all on me, I blame no one, I never hate, I never blame but I absorb hate and blame like I deserve it.
Let me go then, I should just go, I should quit, quit life, quit effort, quit being me, I'm nothing anymore. I hate you, me that is...
I just ate expired green beans heated with a torch in the can. Not satisfying in the least, I feel like I'm a survivalist in some post apocalyptic world living desperate and pathetic yet I work so hard and I'm hated. I'm not a loser but the world says I am. I'm sad and pathetic but I'm great and amazing. I'm nothing and everything. I hate myself but only because I am told to.
Someone please help me.
The last shot
20 miles from home
The worst I've done
Selling my soul
Fueled by self hatred
The worst thing I have ever done in my entire existence on this earth
Fueled by sex
Just plain stupid
My very last dollar
All I am
Known by others
Who I really am...
There's no such thing as clean sex, there's always baggage, worries, risk, love or no love? No, it's sex. It can't be that simple but it is. It's getting off, feeling good, we all need it. Why so complicated? I know the differences, I know how to express with or without love. Passion is passion, heat is heat and it all feels good. There's no reason to hold back or give it all. Just feel good. Everyone should just feel good first and let the world happen around that.
I am supposed to be more compassionate because it is the "Xmas" season right?? well no one is here for me, just like any other random Wednesday night. Here I am alone, being real, being true, being wasted and alone. Fuck all of society, fuck every living being beside my sweet pup. We are fine, I'm drunk, he's sleepy and warm, that's it. We don't need you and your pity.. This is life as it is, what it is, good and bad (mostly bad) I don't care, do you? Date and time are nothing more then reference. I'm sick but would be anyway, I'm dying but I always am, I'm nothing but that is who I am. I miss everything but who doesn't? life is a joke as it always is but it is not seasonal. Maybe the care is seasonal but that's as far as it goes. This American holiday means nothing. I give to the poor and pathetic though I am one of them receiving nothing.. Not in a bitter way, but seriously, I need help, I need hope too. Hope, that's what drives us all, dreams and wants, I am losing them all. A good night to me is to fall asleep lacking of all the stresses of my problems, to let them wait until tomorrow, even literally, to just get by, that's it. I ask for so little but get nothing. Hate me, hate my fight, call me what you will as I try hard, fight on, love live and be a great man to the world, it doesn't matter if I am smart or deviant, it only matters when I pay my bills and shut up. That is America, that is what we are meant for. I am not meant for anything. I am a fool to tobacco and liquor, I am a fool to the drug trade, I am a fool to the working class, I am no one to society. I have a brain, I have independent thought, I have expression. Those are not qualities. but back-draws. I am destined to quit and fail but I refuse. Fucking dammit! I am great, I am something, I think! I am! I am real! Who fucking cares? It doesn't matter. I am still me, always will be, I cannot be broken or change, I will die in a gutter as me before I conform to some bullshit I do not believe in, I hate this world and refuse to become it but strive to achieve the known beauty of it. It is such a twist of intellectualism, poetry and ironic stupidity, I don't know how to accept it or if i even could but I feel a need to keep fighting, there's a reason, a fight, a cause for it. There is a reason for all o us, a reason for passion, loss and nothing, we have something. I can't quit, i certainly cannot hate, i just want to love and be happy....
I'm just sick. I hate myself. I hate life. I am alone and deserve it. I should never feel good. I cannot enjoy a video, I cannot enjoy a film or a song, I do not deserve those short bursts of happiness or even contentment. I feel equal to the dreads of society. the brainless, thoughtless haters and those lacking in passion and understanding yet I am so opposite of their mentality. It doesn't matter when you are at the same level of financial contribution to society. When you share the same vices of "sex, drugs and rock & roll", even though we are all part of that, we all need it, we all have the same motivation to continue, the same rewards of life. It means nothing when you are at the bottom. I share the same deplority of a stock broker living on lake shore drive with his trophy wife, car and apartment, but we are in a different bracket and I am left judged and a loser. We both may be equally sad, equally failing emotionally and intellectually expressively but I am judged as the loser. Maybe based financially or by scene, Surviving paycheck to paycheck, fix to fix, quarter to quarter it is all the same. It is what fixes one can get in between, the needs suppressed in between, the loss ignored, the voids ignored, the emptiness ignored. It is all the same, we are all the same, the wretched ones, the real. I am the wretched one. So many of us are. I am the one. Join me, but please don't. I am better in my loneliness. I also know I am far from alone, especially in a city of pain. We reside in secrecy, it's the classy way to go, don't bitch, just keep fighting, keep being you, keep living. invest in that $2 keyboard so you can keep writing, invest in that $10 bottle so you can make it through another weekend, be proud of watching the sun rise rather than the darkness set on yourself, focus on the glimmers of hope, the peaks that make you think the future has something. Think about life, fight for life, take pleasure and endure it, soak it up, absorb every aspect of the juice that makes you cum, think of the universe that makes you mean something, even if it is that spec. If it weren't for specs there would be nothing. Atoms are but a fragment of anythings existence but if it weren't for multiples of these fragments there would be nothing. If you are nothing but a fragment, nothing but an atom of existence, you are still something, you still mean something, the more, the better, be an idiot, be a genius, its all the same, just be...