I just ate chicken from a can that was donated to a pantry for poor people (expired?) which is wher I got it. I feel like shit on so many levels, from within physically and mentally. I have nothing, I missed everything, I miss everything. I never thought I'd be here even when I imagined my worst case scenerios as a youth, I expected to at least find contentment in simplistic levels of life or "getting by". I am an ultimate failure beyond any measure of others or society, beyond a comparison to peers or even globally, I'm a waste of myself, a stupid nothing with none to offer, no potentially idiot savant or brilliant suppressed entity, just literally nothing for no reason. There is small amounts of fight left in me but very, very little hope or reason. I hate life, love and existence, I don't hate the world like an angst teen of the 90's, but I certainly hate my world, which I apart tilt created and control, I made myself, I hate myself. There is nothing left of me. Potential is a strange word, dreams are literally such, hope is like masturbation, I'm so broken, in so many pieces, in such drastic measurements, in such emptiness. Convince me otherwise temporarily as I do myself, once you or I get off opinions will change. Reality will come back and prevail, control and show itself proudly.
Of everything, from everything, as a result of natural flow and life.
I really want to start my life. I have so many visions and ideas. I need a partner though, I'd hate to admit. I think I may have one but it's not in stone. I'm lost with only an "idea" of what I want and must do. Things may implode once again and collapse but could equally blossom and explode in a vibrant glow of hope and destined happiness. It's one or the other...
I do not know my next move. I'm a mess but with a vaugue plan. I have dreams with equal nightmares along side. My heart is barely a factor yet should be the drive.
I don't want to sleep anymore, my dreams are haunting me. Pathetically tearing in my sleep. I don't cry, but apparently I do. Wretched saline wakes me in the night or encrusts my eyes as I find then un-openable in the morning. Horrible, horrible reality found in even the most mystical of worlds. Peace isn't found, it's all kind of a joke. I miss so much. It's driving me mad. Mostly sad...
How I miss that being, that beautiful form, that soul that connected me. She is so gone, so hateful of myself. It is so hard to give up but so rational and correct, yet so completely wrong.
This binge is killing me. I'm nearly through. I don't want to be normal, but general structure, even vague, keeps me on track and this is becoming a mess. Time is precious and I am butchering it, sleeping or working it away, fizzing it away, I've barely kept up with myself. The coin isn't as good as it seemed, or the sacrifice did not seem clear until hindsight.
At least I still know what's going on.
I think so anyway.
I just need to pull over, park for a bit.
Binge working again. The last two days were 40 hours alone, cramming a week into a 48 hour period is a strain but I've hungered for work for a while now, I needed this.
Future endeavors have more promise as well, a structured respectable position is on the horizon. In the mean, I will at least be making money...
Saturdays and Sundays are no longer "weekends", but simply "days". I am always willing to get paid.
I miss my pup but that is about all I've to come home to, so it makes it a little "easier" to lose myself in work. Although my physical body is showing me it's broken and worn age in the un-ignorable pain I literally feel everywhere.
If only I had some tea.. .
Soon enough, get ahead, pay a few death's tolls and I will have fragments of freedom.
It is all I really require, even if only in short moments of tiny peaks. I am deserving of little in many ways but striving for so much, still in the fight and still digging out.
Either, or, I must now briefly rest with my scotch, no rocks...
What the fuck have I done? I chose the worst paths possible. There is no solid employment as an artist, my fall back is construction, equally as stupid, one cannot keep a job in this region. Even best case, such as a union gig, its job to job, constant layoffs when the project is done. I am "worth" so much with my experience but no one gives a fuck. Why am I awake at 5 am without having to go to work? I completely fucked up. that's why. I was so against the computer age at a time when if I had embraced it, I would have been a leader in my field. I loved so much taking photography classes in high school but my senior year they weren't even offered anymore because digital and computer tech had taken over.I missed it, I denied it, I considered myself a purist when all I really was is a fool. No more developer and stop bath, not even a dark room for fucks sake.
So many wrong turns.
Where the hell is my baby?
Where the hell is my life?
Who the fuck am I?
If I had had a single focus on even the most mundane of careers or dreams I would be a grand success by now, I am old and over. My "loser" friends, even the drug addicted "gangsta" types have happy little families and homes by now. I have nothing. NOTHING! just a loving dog and a few trinkets of memories of good times when things didn't matter.
I don't understand it, I thought I was a good man, a hard worker with a good heart, I care about others and want to make the world better for all. Ive done nothing to fall into this category. I am nothing but love and care for the world around me. I am true of heart.
I like working hard, I like to earn things rightfully and pass on anything I can to others but I cannot even take care of myself or those literally closest to me. I cannot even show my love to my sweet pup.
I have such greatness inside me but no one will ever see it.
I have lost anything I have even come close to having. My soulmate, my second chance even left me, my old dreams, my new dreams I was forced to accept and run with, they have all left me...
I cling to the most simplest and worthless of things, I can have a deep, intellectual discussions on a wide range of discussions focused on art, politics, life and cosmic existence, I look good in a suit, I can work unbelievably hard in the most physical scenarios, I have skills and talents that surprise all, even me. these things mean nothing, however. Am I great? Of course not, I have done nothing.
I have helped no one, I have made no difference in this world.
I rescued a dog from depressing streets and gave him a loving home but even he is anti-social and selfish, more than even I.
It is too late, it really is. I remember when I turned 30, justifying that some great men took that long to be who they were but that was long ago. I feel hated and worthless now.
There really is something wrong with me, not a simple pill solved issue but a real core of who I am.
It is hard though, I am no drug addict, not a loser kind of criminal type, I am good, full of love and kindness, striving to make a difference beyond myself. I am not saying I deserve anything but I should have opportunity, a chance to make a difference, even if only through art and expression that I feel great passion and understanding of.
I want to call out to my love, let me show you.
It is all gone and cannot happen.
I did it all wrong. Every move was wrong, every idea was bad, all my dreams were ridiculous.
No one cares either so I do not know why I sit here typing away these stupid words.
Talk to me, tell me it's ok and you want my dreams to be true, you believe in me as I do not.
It's ok, I don't need you, I don't need anyone or anything.
Good day to you all...
Damn, such drunken ramblings, typical of a broken fool. Many true points but presented sloppily and crudely.
It's just a good thing no one reads any of this shit.
It has gone a terribly wrong direction.
Repetitive and pointless. Topics of no interest to anyone, badly written.
From now on its only poetry and reviews of movies from the 80's...