I don't want to sleep anymore, my dreams are haunting me. Pathetically tearing in my sleep. I don't cry, but apparently I do. Wretched saline wakes me in the night or encrusts my eyes as I find then un-openable in the morning. Horrible, horrible reality found in even the most mystical of worlds. Peace isn't found, it's all kind of a joke. I miss so much. It's driving me mad. Mostly sad...
How I miss that being, that beautiful form, that soul that connected me. She is so gone, so hateful of myself. It is so hard to give up but so rational and correct, yet so completely wrong.
This binge is killing me. I'm nearly through. I don't want to be normal, but general structure, even vague, keeps me on track and this is becoming a mess. Time is precious and I am butchering it, sleeping or working it away, fizzing it away, I've barely kept up with myself. The coin isn't as good as it seemed, or the sacrifice did not seem clear until hindsight.
At least I still know what's going on.
I think so anyway.
I just need to pull over, park for a bit.
Binge working again. The last two days were 40 hours alone, cramming a week into a 48 hour period is a strain but I've hungered for work for a while now, I needed this.
Future endeavors have more promise as well, a structured respectable position is on the horizon. In the mean, I will at least be making money...
Saturdays and Sundays are no longer "weekends", but simply "days". I am always willing to get paid.
I miss my pup but that is about all I've to come home to, so it makes it a little "easier" to lose myself in work. Although my physical body is showing me it's broken and worn age in the un-ignorable pain I literally feel everywhere.
If only I had some tea.. .
Soon enough, get ahead, pay a few death's tolls and I will have fragments of freedom.
It is all I really require, even if only in short moments of tiny peaks. I am deserving of little in many ways but striving for so much, still in the fight and still digging out.
Either, or, I must now briefly rest with my scotch, no rocks...
What the fuck have I done? I chose the worst paths possible. There is no solid employment as an artist, my fall back is construction, equally as stupid, one cannot keep a job in this region. Even best case, such as a union gig, its job to job, constant layoffs when the project is done. I am "worth" so much with my experience but no one gives a fuck. Why am I awake at 5 am without having to go to work? I completely fucked up. that's why. I was so against the computer age at a time when if I had embraced it, I would have been a leader in my field. I loved so much taking photography classes in high school but my senior year they weren't even offered anymore because digital and computer tech had taken over.I missed it, I denied it, I considered myself a purist when all I really was is a fool. No more developer and stop bath, not even a dark room for fucks sake.
So many wrong turns.
Where the hell is my baby?
Where the hell is my life?
Who the fuck am I?
If I had had a single focus on even the most mundane of careers or dreams I would be a grand success by now, I am old and over. My "loser" friends, even the drug addicted "gangsta" types have happy little families and homes by now. I have nothing. NOTHING! just a loving dog and a few trinkets of memories of good times when things didn't matter.
I don't understand it, I thought I was a good man, a hard worker with a good heart, I care about others and want to make the world better for all. Ive done nothing to fall into this category. I am nothing but love and care for the world around me. I am true of heart.
I like working hard, I like to earn things rightfully and pass on anything I can to others but I cannot even take care of myself or those literally closest to me. I cannot even show my love to my sweet pup.
I have such greatness inside me but no one will ever see it.
I have lost anything I have even come close to having. My soulmate, my second chance even left me, my old dreams, my new dreams I was forced to accept and run with, they have all left me...
I cling to the most simplest and worthless of things, I can have a deep, intellectual discussions on a wide range of discussions focused on art, politics, life and cosmic existence, I look good in a suit, I can work unbelievably hard in the most physical scenarios, I have skills and talents that surprise all, even me. these things mean nothing, however. Am I great? Of course not, I have done nothing.
I have helped no one, I have made no difference in this world.
I rescued a dog from depressing streets and gave him a loving home but even he is anti-social and selfish, more than even I.
It is too late, it really is. I remember when I turned 30, justifying that some great men took that long to be who they were but that was long ago. I feel hated and worthless now.
There really is something wrong with me, not a simple pill solved issue but a real core of who I am.
It is hard though, I am no drug addict, not a loser kind of criminal type, I am good, full of love and kindness, striving to make a difference beyond myself. I am not saying I deserve anything but I should have opportunity, a chance to make a difference, even if only through art and expression that I feel great passion and understanding of.
I want to call out to my love, let me show you.
It is all gone and cannot happen.
I did it all wrong. Every move was wrong, every idea was bad, all my dreams were ridiculous.
No one cares either so I do not know why I sit here typing away these stupid words.
Talk to me, tell me it's ok and you want my dreams to be true, you believe in me as I do not.
It's ok, I don't need you, I don't need anyone or anything.
Good day to you all...
Damn, such drunken ramblings, typical of a broken fool. Many true points but presented sloppily and crudely.
It's just a good thing no one reads any of this shit.
It has gone a terribly wrong direction.
Repetitive and pointless. Topics of no interest to anyone, badly written.
From now on its only poetry and reviews of movies from the 80's...
I have totally fucked every aspect of my life. 'Ive nothing left. Going no where so fast. its not so funny.
You are not meant to do or be anything,
I cannot believe what i have become. this fucking laptop is broke, I cannot even type anymore without it jumping around and destroying my thoughts.
i have pure love and passion but no one cares. I do not deserve any of this?
repeatedly rejected for my blatant failures.
I am so fucking lost.
I hate myself.
It is just me and my pup. I knew it would be, it is all there is. I wish I could understand what is wrong with me. my failures continue. why cannot I be loved? Why cannot is what I feel anything?
Will I ever be anything? I am aware of my potential. I hear it blatantly told to me by people whose opinion i greatly respect and do not bullshit, I know its real, I know I am real. Why does nothing ever happen?
I long for so many things, I dream so much, I have great passion, I always understood that it was most important, that is what drives, I have it, but there is nothing coming through.
help? no. I have never felt such a thing. only ridicule of my efforts.
here I am, no degree, no accomplishments, no name of myself. I am no writer, not a photographer, ha! not an artist, guffaw, you are not a label.
I want something, some reasoning.
but not for real reasons, not of who i am or how i feel. I do not understand. I am not worth any effort yet I try so hard all alone.
I truly love my dog as he loves me. I cannot keep a real friend. I cannot be what anyone feels. I am alone, should be, meant to be, maybe try to be, but should not be. I feel, no one else does. I am hated, why? hated? that seems extreme. I'm not the best but I am so true, pure and real it should be respected. My efforts are a joke in general. I cannot stand existing as some stupid character meaning nothing to anyone while i try so hard
I had it all figured out but ran out of time. give it back!
I found a grey hair, not in my beard, those have been there a while, but in my beautiful mop. I am slowly dying. my friends have children the age that I feel I still am. I have nothing. I don't even own my own car. I have no degree, I have no reality. I am hated, most importantly by me.
I have but one true, repetitive dream I crave but seems to slip further and further away every day. I am so confused. so lost. i miss life.
Oh city, I hate you too, I love you so much. please make me happy, make me forget everything give me life, why? why not?
I had real thoughts when I started but here we are.
What drives you? What do you live for? Dreams are just dreams, not goals. Goals are not climaxes but simple steps, minor achievements.
Fuck this, I have lost my ability to express.
No one reads or cares of this shit anyway,
or of me and my pathetic existence.
I know I don't...
I don't know what to believe anymore, I thought I could trust my own heart and follow it to some kind of achievement, a blissful dream even, but again I fooled myself and made a fool of myself in the process. O these torturous dreams of mine. Purest pleasures, intimate, deep feelings released and traded, a begging for my soul to let loose and feel it all. They must stop. Reality is now, though it sickens me, is and always will be as it is. I haven't control of my own thoughts, feelings, urges and cravings but they will eventually be snuffed by reality. Let us hope there will be a leveling off soon.
You have done nothing in all the time? You are like an old man with no valid excuses, looking back and knowing everything, especially the everything impossible. Dreams are sickeningly vivid. Sad, passionate and full of such intense, pure energy. Again pleasures of the mind not achieved in reality, nor is there any hope of it, just a deep longing for things unexplained.
You have expired, it is too late for dreams, childish fantasies of good times, pure of heart moments. Broken, rebuilt, re-self-created means little at this point. energies and urges must be ignored as the realities clash. You have lost in many ways and won in others...
Accept things, absorb petty praise and continue on.
Lose yourself within yourself and just be. Be something though.
I am on such an edge.
This whole thing is a mess...
Crazy, just fucking crazy, life is.
I do not know what to think or assume is what is.
Fast, short run of blinding experiences and harsh realities. Its almost over.
You're being ridiculous, you're kidding yourself on so many levels. I've promised three different women I'd sex them up this weekend and I feel too shitty to even walk my dog. What the hell are you doing, anyway? While normals look for love, I look for its void. I feel flawed, I know where it is but I'm forced to ignore it. That's it, that's the one, but it's unobtainable. Meaning, that aspect of life and need is not a choice. Just go with life, it's fun emptiness. It's really no different than peaks and valleys of any existence. Pleasures, even brief, they are.
Typical. You knew better, you even promised yourself to never feel anything again because you know the result is bound to repeat. Well, brain, I told you so. I turned that shit back on for nothing. You've been reduced again. Broken down again. Lied and betrayed. Again.
I hate that putrid emotion again. It's useless anyway, a distraction of what is really important: my selfish pleasure and self made reality.
I knew what I was doing but I had to feel.
Feel nothing, be sick and sad only. You've lost and deserve such.
I feel like death today, it took my whole weekend from me. Crippling on multiple levels. In a wet wad of scarce consciousness for 14 hours. Bones, muscles, all the complicated moving parts ache and creak with movement. I am not weak but this feels like weakness. I hate it. I hate this idle suppression of my needs, wants and direct responsibilities. I'm fucked up in the worst way. It's not even payback for having too good a time. Sleep it off as you must work in mere hours...