Showing posts with label beat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beat. Show all posts
me
I'm just sick. I hate myself. I hate life. I am alone and deserve it. I should never feel good. I cannot enjoy a video, I cannot enjoy a film or a song, I do not deserve those short bursts of happiness or even contentment. I feel equal to the dreads of society. the brainless, thoughtless haters and those lacking in passion and understanding yet I am so opposite of their mentality. It doesn't matter when you are at the same level of financial contribution to society. When you share the same vices of "sex, drugs and rock & roll", even though we are all part of that, we all need it, we all have the same motivation to continue, the same rewards of life. It means nothing when you are at the bottom. I share the same deplority of a stock broker living on lake shore drive with his trophy wife, car and apartment, but we are in a different bracket and I am left judged and a loser. We both may be equally sad, equally failing emotionally and intellectually expressively but I am judged as the loser. Maybe based financially or by scene, Surviving paycheck to paycheck, fix to fix, quarter to quarter it is all the same. It is what fixes one can get in between, the needs suppressed in between, the loss ignored, the voids ignored, the emptiness ignored. It is all the same, we are all the same, the wretched ones, the real. I am the wretched one. So many of us are. I am the one. Join me, but please don't. I am better in my loneliness. I also know I am far from alone, especially in a city of pain. We reside in secrecy, it's the classy way to go, don't bitch, just keep fighting, keep being you, keep living. invest in that $2 keyboard so you can keep writing, invest in that $10 bottle so you can make it through another weekend, be proud of watching the sun rise rather than the darkness set on yourself, focus on the glimmers of hope, the peaks that make you think the future has something. Think about life, fight for life, take pleasure and endure it, soak it up, absorb every aspect of the juice that makes you cum, think of the universe that makes you mean something, even if it is that spec. If it weren't for specs there would be nothing. Atoms are but a fragment of anythings existence but if it weren't for multiples of these fragments there would be nothing. If you are nothing but a fragment, nothing but an atom of existence, you are still something, you still mean something, the more, the better, be an idiot, be a genius, its all the same, just be...
A little chill in the air.
Ah, the first cool night of the season... Put on that favorite coat that has been idle since March/April or so, check the pockets and see where life had left off at that point, maybe even look back and see how much progress has been made, how much better things are:
Expired cigarette coupons
Empty Trojan box (3 pack)
Unused carpenters pencil
One hitter in plastic bag w/trident gum
78 cents in change
Checkbook (one used)
Non-functioning bic
1 2" screw
So everything's the same.. Fuck...
That was unexpectedly expected.
My little honey sends me on my way, the "you know I don't want to hurt you, but..." routine. Thats ok, walk in a cold drizzling rain that is bent on extinguishing my cigarette to my car, oh a ticket, thats so 80's. I'll happily pluck that love note out from under my wiper.Toss it into the back seat with the rest of my feelings. Thats ok too. Oh look, I'm out of money and get nothing for two weeks. Many wise decisions were made, many things panned out to ultimate satisfactions. Everything is fine...
Oh, oh yes.
Not to sound as a dick and say what you will to deny it, but I know I am an amazing lover.
Holy fuck, Jon Stewert is funny
Still going nowhere, interviews and increments of incomes, nothing to advance. I continue on with external motivations and distractions. I only get to fuck on weekends, but it's enough of a release to keep me going. Out of drugs.
There
I am in such a haze. Man, I'm so confused. I have no more need for emotion. Blatant publicly stupidness. This wasn't the way it is. I was me, it was. Why? How? How could you just let that happen? Let it? It was a fight of death and despair beyond mind bugs and empty releases. But not much more. It did. I wondered why such a traditional slice of life wanting physics and science of sexual control and indulgence that only leads to more yellow pills of bright red spines running up and down the hall with booming thumps and slow passionate slides. Drift, drift out, you fucking ditz. Show yourself, naked and hard to the wind. Thinked and such things as they are. I have no idea but it all makes sense.
O then I continue. I know it is important. Since the beginning, I started. Named and scorned. I lost it, won a free scrap of flour and gained two pounds. I never thought it would be this way. I didn't know who it was that I am and when I did what didn't happen but started it all. Thats not right. It is important, however. I should study the wholesome breast.
I am not tired or drained. I feel. Thats about it. when. when.
O then I continue. I know it is important. Since the beginning, I started. Named and scorned. I lost it, won a free scrap of flour and gained two pounds. I never thought it would be this way. I didn't know who it was that I am and when I did what didn't happen but started it all. Thats not right. It is important, however. I should study the wholesome breast.
I am not tired or drained. I feel. Thats about it. when. when.
friends, interactions and distractions
I am still not living, I don't need help from anyone else to do it, but maybe I need some friends, a crew. I think I need guy friends, I have no camaraderie other than a large dog. Any other friendship balances of labels of relationships and heart-filled bullshit that I do not need. Fuck, I don't really know what I want. There is no who, just a what now.I can't have my life, its not mine anymore. There is nothing left inside me anymore, I wish I had a structured gig going so I could drone out of this anxiety at the least. I continue to fail at even the simplest levels. Selling scraps of life for 20 bucks a hit is getting nowhere.
choices. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I'm not fighting this all hard enough, I am inviting failure, I skim at the edge of the settled scum, proud to not be stuck in the depths, but never creating any distance from it. it is a pathetic reality.
Why did you choose to do this?
This unreadable shit continues. I am not doing things to be proud of in any way. Pointless photography and idiotic writings, this is not creation of any kind. It can only be considered expressive to me as I am venting and expressing my mindless, useless thoughts.
writings.
I am torn between this open isolation and living the realities.
I don't know what I am looking for anymore.
I cannot find reason, feelings or distraction in anything.
Am I really completely alone? I mean on the depth and validity of me? I didn't think I was.
Yes, and.
choices. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I'm not fighting this all hard enough, I am inviting failure, I skim at the edge of the settled scum, proud to not be stuck in the depths, but never creating any distance from it. it is a pathetic reality.
Why did you choose to do this?
This unreadable shit continues. I am not doing things to be proud of in any way. Pointless photography and idiotic writings, this is not creation of any kind. It can only be considered expressive to me as I am venting and expressing my mindless, useless thoughts.
writings.
I am torn between this open isolation and living the realities.
I don't know what I am looking for anymore.
I cannot find reason, feelings or distraction in anything.
Am I really completely alone? I mean on the depth and validity of me? I didn't think I was.
Yes, and.
Rest in indifference.
Writer; master of poetry and expression
Strong man of valor and value
Intellectual
Focus and perseverance
Master of form, a powerful sculptor
Grip on reality
Pure of heart
Filled of brilliant conversation and thought
Endless triumphant successes
Pioneer of his field
Great academic achievement
Timely
Reliable
Body of a mythological god
Loved by all
Radiated a seductive sexual aura ...irresistible to women
Never missed an opportunity to express ...romance and love
Grand, bright soul
Always, deeply happy
Quote
It seems that I have an infinite capacity to be unhappy. How can I be so stupid as to waste my life away being unhappy like this! What am I going to do? When will I realize that I have a great life of my own?
Well, there is still time before it's too late...
(and I don't understand it.)
- Kerouac
Well, there is still time before it's too late...
(and I don't understand it.)
- Kerouac
choice
Why do I have nothing to say?
O my divinity, I'm brilliant!
But unclear as to why I am so stupid.
When will you succumb and grow weary of the cosmic wallpaper, leave the gold needles behind and rest in grey grass beneath a tree of bewildered blue leaves?
The deafening sounds of words fading into buzzes. The plastic, repetative ticks of a machine are progessively replaced with nothing.
Nothing progresses into nothing further.
Was this the correct route?
Well known, the less travelled cloud is often the most wicked, yet least useful
There is no more important thing in this world than an orgasm.
Words can be smoked and should be.
O my divinity, I'm brilliant!
But unclear as to why I am so stupid.
When will you succumb and grow weary of the cosmic wallpaper, leave the gold needles behind and rest in grey grass beneath a tree of bewildered blue leaves?
The deafening sounds of words fading into buzzes. The plastic, repetative ticks of a machine are progessively replaced with nothing.
Nothing progresses into nothing further.
Was this the correct route?
Well known, the less travelled cloud is often the most wicked, yet least useful
There is no more important thing in this world than an orgasm.
Words can be smoked and should be.
Quotes.
Don't get hung up on difficult, miserable discoveries of your "true self" - rather, enjoy and goof off (and thereby avoid these self-knowledges.)
-Kerouac
-Kerouac
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