Help

Please help.

Why?

I'm an investment, I'm good, I'm great,  I have so fucking much to offer but no one cares. I hate this, I hate knowing so much, I hate life, happiness and potential, I just want to be nothing as I deserve or everything as I have earned, why is this me? Why? Why? Why?

I'm not looking for pity, acknowledgement, noticed, effort, reality, something for all this. Why? Really, why? I don't get it, I want such simple pleasures, I'm so easily pleased, I'm true of heart, I love love, I am fueled by peace and happiness, I should be so great and successful, who hates me and why? I don't deserve this pathetic existence but it's all on me, I blame no one, I never hate, I never blame but I absorb hate and blame like I deserve it. 

Let me go then, I should just go, I should quit, quit life, quit effort, quit being me, I'm nothing anymore. I hate you, me that is...

Life is a piece of shit

I just ate expired green beans heated with a torch in the can. Not satisfying in the least, I feel like I'm a survivalist in some post apocalyptic world living desperate and pathetic yet I work so hard and I'm hated. I'm not a loser but the world says I am. I'm sad and pathetic but I'm great and amazing. I'm nothing and everything. I hate myself but only because I am told to.

Help me.

Someone please help me.

It

I'm living life like there's no such thing as consequences or mythological hell.

Again

Yeah...

Fuck it

At least it's not...

Sunrise

Monday

Closing time

Too late 

Last call

On empty

The last shot

20 miles from home

Desperate 

The worst I've done

Selling my soul

During work

Filthy sex

Cocaine

Expensive

Illegal

Morally wrong 

Embarrassing

Wretched desperation

Fueled by self hatred

Average 

Boring

The worst thing I have ever done in my entire existence on this earth

Ignorant 

Fueled by sex

Just plain stupid

My very last dollar

Pathetic

All I am

Life

Heroin

Known by others

My peak

Who I really am...

Unicorn

There's no such thing as clean sex, there's always baggage, worries, risk, love or no love? No, it's sex. It can't be that simple but it is. It's getting off, feeling good, we all need it. Why so complicated? I know the differences, I know how to express with or without love. Passion is passion, heat is heat and it all feels good. There's no reason to hold back or give it all. Just feel good. Everyone should just feel good first and let the world happen around that.

Are you sure I'm alright?

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

oh I see...

I am supposed to be more compassionate because it is the "Xmas" season right?? well no one is here for me, just like any other random Wednesday night. Here I am alone, being real, being true, being wasted and alone. Fuck all of society, fuck every living being beside my sweet pup. We are fine, I'm drunk, he's sleepy and warm, that's it. We don't need you and your pity.. This is life as it is, what it is, good and bad (mostly bad) I don't care, do you? Date and time are nothing more then reference. I'm sick but would be anyway, I'm dying but I always am, I'm nothing but that is who I am. I miss everything but who doesn't? life is a joke as it always is but it is not seasonal. Maybe the care is seasonal but that's as far as it goes. This American holiday means nothing. I give to the poor and pathetic though I am one of them receiving nothing.. Not in a bitter way, but seriously, I need help, I need hope too. Hope, that's what drives us all, dreams and wants, I am losing them all. A good night to me is to fall asleep lacking of all the stresses of my problems, to let them wait until tomorrow, even literally, to just get by, that's it.  I ask for so little but get nothing. Hate me, hate my fight, call me what you will as I try hard, fight on, love live and be a great man to the world, it doesn't matter if I am smart or deviant, it only matters when I pay my bills and shut up. That is America, that is what we are meant for. I am not meant for anything. I am a fool to tobacco and liquor, I am a fool to the drug trade, I am a fool to the working class, I am no one to society. I have a brain, I have independent thought, I have expression. Those are not qualities. but back-draws. I am destined to quit and fail but I refuse. Fucking dammit! I am great, I am something, I think! I am! I am real! Who fucking cares? It doesn't matter. I am still me, always will be, I cannot be broken or change, I will die in a gutter as me before I conform to some bullshit I do not believe in, I hate this world and refuse to become it but strive to achieve the known beauty of it. It is such a twist of intellectualism, poetry and ironic stupidity, I don't know how to accept it or if i even could but I feel a need to keep fighting, there's a reason, a fight, a cause for it. There is a reason for all o us, a reason for passion, loss and nothing, we have something. I can't quit, i certainly cannot hate, i just want to love and be happy....

me

I'm just sick. I hate myself. I hate life. I am alone and deserve it. I should never feel good. I cannot enjoy a video, I cannot enjoy a film or a song, I do not deserve those short bursts of happiness or even contentment. I feel equal to the dreads of society. the brainless, thoughtless haters and those lacking in passion and understanding yet I am so opposite of their mentality. It doesn't matter when you are at the same level of financial contribution to society. When you share the same vices of "sex, drugs and rock & roll", even though we are all part of that, we all need it, we all have the same motivation to continue, the same rewards of life. It means nothing when you are at the bottom. I share the same deplority of a stock broker living on lake shore drive with his trophy wife, car and apartment, but we are in a different bracket and I am left judged and a loser. We both may be equally sad, equally failing emotionally and intellectually expressively but I am judged as the loser. Maybe based financially or by scene, Surviving paycheck to paycheck, fix to fix, quarter to quarter it is all the same. It is what fixes one can get in between, the needs suppressed in between, the loss ignored, the voids ignored, the emptiness ignored. It is all the same, we are all the same, the wretched ones, the real. I am the wretched one. So many of us are. I am the one. Join me, but please don't. I am better in my loneliness. I also know I am far from alone, especially in a city of pain. We reside in secrecy, it's the classy way to go, don't bitch, just keep fighting, keep being you, keep living. invest in that $2 keyboard so you can keep writing, invest in that $10 bottle so you can make it through another weekend, be proud of watching the sun rise rather than the darkness set on yourself, focus on the glimmers of hope, the peaks that make you think the future has something. Think about life, fight for life, take pleasure and endure it, soak it up, absorb every aspect of the juice that makes you cum, think of the universe that makes you mean something, even if it is that spec. If it weren't for specs there would be nothing. Atoms are but a fragment of anythings existence but if it weren't for multiples of these fragments there would be nothing. If you are nothing but a fragment, nothing but an atom of existence, you are still something, you still mean something, the more, the better, be an idiot, be a genius, its all the same, just be...

post title

Yes, here I am. it is a Thursday night. I am lonely, I am nothing. I have done nothing. Nothing is new, nothing is old. Sell some vintage, jerk off, get drunk, you are no one. I do not want life anymore. I remember things, I remember dreams, those are all price tags now. At the level of  "if you need to ask, you can't afford", I feel no hope or inspiration. I feel no drive from seeing the wretched enjoy the same level, I truly have nothing and deserve nothing so I am content with my return. I hate myself as society does. I want to be simple, I want to not care and accept my fate, I want to be content but i just cannot. It is not pretentiousness wanting to be cool, or to be real, or whatever the fuck, it is just me wanting to be be me. why cant I be me? I don't even know who me is anyway, in retrospect. I am just a deviant of society nw. I an not an "American", I'm just some cur of society, some deviant of the underworld scraping by in some pathetic want but not through laziness, I like to work hard, I like to earn money, I like to be honorable and good, not by any standard but because that is who I am. I feel best when i work really hard and have money to help friends and others achieve, to have fun, to live and experience life at irs fullest. That is life, to live, to experienced, to be, to be ones self.. I am sttifle am suppressed.

"You're the one with the crazy piece of fruit"

I called out to you, did you hear me? You were so far away.

I thought I heard you.

I awoke in tears.

They won't stop.

You

I just ate chicken from a can that was donated to a pantry for poor people (expired?) which is wher I got it. I feel like shit on so many levels, from within physically and mentally. I have nothing, I missed everything, I miss everything. I never thought I'd be here even when I imagined my worst case scenerios as a youth, I expected to at least find contentment in simplistic levels of life or "getting by". I am an ultimate failure beyond any measure of others or society, beyond a comparison to peers or even globally, I'm a waste of myself, a stupid nothing with none to offer, no potentially idiot savant or brilliant suppressed entity, just literally nothing for no reason. There is small amounts of fight left in me but very, very little hope or reason. I hate life, love and existence, I don't hate the world like an angst teen of the 90's, but I certainly hate my world, which I apart tilt created and control, I made myself, I hate myself. There is nothing left of me. Potential is a strange word, dreams are literally such, hope is like masturbation, I'm so broken, in so many pieces, in such drastic measurements, in such emptiness. Convince me otherwise temporarily as I do myself, once you or I get off opinions will change. Reality will come back and prevail, control and show itself proudly.

I'm sick 

So sick

Of everything, from everything, as a result of natural flow and life. 

It is.

Day and night

I don't want to sleep anymore, my dreams are haunting me. Pathetically tearing in my sleep. I don't cry, but apparently I do. Wretched saline wakes me in the night or encrusts my eyes as I find then un-openable in the morning. Horrible, horrible reality found in even the most mystical of worlds. Peace isn't found, it's all kind of a joke. I miss so much. It's driving me mad. Mostly sad...

How I miss that being, that beautiful form, that soul that connected me. She is so gone, so hateful of myself. It is so hard to give up but so rational and correct, yet so completely wrong. 

This one sums it up...

Another profound tune...

 

Mountain Goats: No children

Jacques Cousteau

What the fuck have I done? I chose the worst paths possible. There is no solid employment as an artist, my fall back is construction, equally as stupid, one cannot keep a job in this region. Even best case, such as a union gig, its job to job, constant layoffs when the project is done. I am "worth" so much with my experience but no one gives a fuck. Why am I awake at 5 am without having to go to work? I completely fucked up. that's why. I was so against the computer age at a time when if I had embraced it, I would have been a leader in my field. I loved so much taking photography classes in high school but my senior year they weren't even offered anymore because digital and computer tech had taken over.I missed it, I denied it, I considered myself a purist when all I really was is a fool. No more developer and stop bath, not even a dark room for fucks sake.
So many wrong turns.
Where the hell is my baby?
Where the hell is my life?
Who the fuck am I?
If I had had a single focus on even the most mundane of careers or dreams I would be a grand success by now, I am old and over. My "loser" friends, even the drug addicted "gangsta" types have happy little families and homes by now. I have nothing. NOTHING! just a loving dog and a few trinkets of memories of good times when things didn't matter.
I don't understand it, I thought I was a good man, a hard worker with a good heart, I care about others and want to make the world better for all. Ive done nothing to fall into this category. I am nothing but love and care for the world around me. I am true of heart.
I like working hard, I like to earn things rightfully and pass on anything I can to others but I cannot even take care of myself or those literally closest to me. I cannot even show my love to my sweet pup.
I have such greatness inside me but no one will ever see it.
I have lost anything I have even come close to having. My soulmate, my second chance even left me, my old dreams, my new dreams I was forced to accept and run with, they have all left me...
I cling to the most simplest and worthless of things, I can have a deep, intellectual discussions on a wide range of discussions focused on art, politics, life and cosmic existence, I look good in a suit, I can work unbelievably hard in the most physical scenarios, I have skills and talents that surprise all, even me. these things mean nothing, however. Am I great? Of course not, I have done nothing.
I have helped no one, I have made no difference in this world.
I rescued a dog from depressing streets and gave him a loving home but even he is anti-social and selfish, more than even I.
It is too late, it really is. I remember when I turned 30, justifying that some great men took that long to be who they were but that was long ago. I feel hated and worthless now.
There really is something wrong with me, not a simple pill solved issue but a real core of who I am.
It is hard though, I am no drug addict, not a loser kind of criminal type, I am good, full of love and kindness, striving to make a difference beyond myself. I am not saying I deserve anything but I should have opportunity, a chance to make a difference, even if only through art and expression that I feel great passion and understanding of.
I want to call out to my love, let me show you.
It is all gone and cannot happen.
I did it all wrong. Every move was wrong, every idea was bad, all my dreams were ridiculous.
No one cares either so I do not know why I sit here typing away these stupid words.
Talk to me, tell me it's ok and you want my dreams to be true, you believe in me as I do not.
It's ok, I don't need you, I don't need anyone or anything.
Good day to you all...

post

I have totally fucked every aspect of my life. 'Ive nothing left. Going no where so fast. its not so funny.
You are not meant to do or be anything,
I cannot believe what i have become. this fucking laptop is broke, I cannot even type anymore without it jumping around and destroying my thoughts.
i have pure love and passion but no one cares. I do not deserve any of this?
repeatedly rejected for my blatant failures.

I am so fucking lost.
I love.
I hate myself.
It is just me and my pup. I knew it would be, it is all there is. I wish I could understand what is wrong with me. my failures continue. why cannot I be loved? Why cannot is what I feel anything?
Whiskey. $3
Will I ever be anything? I am aware of my potential. I hear it blatantly told to me by people whose opinion i greatly respect and do not bullshit, I know its real, I know I am real. Why does nothing ever happen?
I long for so many things, I dream so much, I have great passion, I always understood that it was most important, that is what drives, I have it, but there is nothing coming through.
help? no. I have never felt such a thing. only ridicule of my efforts.
here I am, no degree, no accomplishments, no name of myself. I am no writer, not a photographer, ha! not an artist, guffaw, you are not a label.
I want something, some reasoning.
rejection.
constant.
but not for real reasons, not of who i am or how i feel. I do not understand. I am not worth any effort yet I try so hard all alone.
I truly love my dog as he loves me. I cannot keep a real friend. I cannot be what anyone feels. I am alone, should be, meant to be, maybe try to be, but should not be. I feel, no one else does. I am hated, why? hated? that seems extreme. I'm not the best but I am so true, pure and real it should be respected. My efforts are a joke in general. I cannot stand existing as some stupid character meaning nothing to anyone while i try so hard
I had it all figured out but ran out of time. give it back!
I found a grey hair, not in my beard, those have been there a while, but in my beautiful mop. I am slowly dying. my friends have children the age that I feel I still am. I have nothing. I don't even own my own car. I have no degree, I have no reality. I am hated, most importantly by me.
I have but one true, repetitive dream I crave but seems to slip further and further away every day. I am so confused. so lost. i miss life.
Oh city, I hate you too, I love you so much. please make me happy, make me forget everything give me life, why? why not?
I had real thoughts when I started but here we are.
Whiskey.

Foolish one

What drives you? What do you live for? Dreams are just dreams, not goals. Goals are not climaxes but simple steps, minor achievements.
Fuck this, I have lost my ability to express.
No one reads or cares of this shit anyway,
or of me and my pathetic existence.
I know I don't...

Lie and deny

I don't know what to believe anymore, I thought I could trust my own heart and follow it to some kind of achievement, a blissful dream even,  but again I fooled myself and made a fool of myself in the process. O these torturous dreams of mine. Purest pleasures, intimate, deep feelings released and traded, a begging for my soul to let loose and feel it all. They must stop. Reality is now, though it sickens me, is and always will be as it is. I haven't control of my own thoughts, feelings, urges and cravings but they will eventually be snuffed by reality. Let us hope there will be a leveling off soon.

Gerald Ford?

You have done nothing in all the time? You are like an old man with no valid excuses, looking back and knowing everything, especially the everything impossible. Dreams are sickeningly vivid. Sad, passionate and full of such intense, pure energy. Again pleasures of the mind not achieved in reality, nor is there any hope of it, just a deep longing for things unexplained.
point.
You have expired, it is too late for dreams, childish fantasies of good times, pure of heart moments. Broken, rebuilt, re-self-created means little at this point. energies and urges must be ignored as the realities clash. You have lost in many ways and won in others...
Accept things, absorb petty praise and continue on.
Lose yourself within yourself and just be. Be something though.
I am on such an edge.
This whole thing is a mess...
Crazy, just fucking crazy, life is.
I do not know what to think or assume is what is.
Fast, short run of blinding experiences and harsh realities. Its almost over.