A little chill in the air.
Ah, the first cool night of the season... Put on that favorite coat that has been idle since March/April or so, check the pockets and see where life had left off at that point, maybe even look back and see how much progress has been made, how much better things are:
Expired cigarette coupons
Empty Trojan box (3 pack)
Unused carpenters pencil
One hitter in plastic bag w/trident gum
78 cents in change
Checkbook (one used)
Non-functioning bic
1 2" screw
So everything's the same.. Fuck...
You
I just ate chicken from a can that was donated to a pantry for poor people (expired?) which is wher I got it. I feel like shit on so many levels, from within physically and mentally. I have nothing, I missed everything, I miss everything. I never thought I'd be here even when I imagined my worst case scenerios as a youth, I expected to at least find contentment in simplistic levels of life or "getting by". I am an ultimate failure beyond any measure of others or society, beyond a comparison to peers or even globally, I'm a waste of myself, a stupid nothing with none to offer, no potentially idiot savant or brilliant suppressed entity, just literally nothing for no reason. There is small amounts of fight left in me but very, very little hope or reason. I hate life, love and existence, I don't hate the world like an angst teen of the 90's, but I certainly hate my world, which I apart tilt created and control, I made myself, I hate myself. There is nothing left of me. Potential is a strange word, dreams are literally such, hope is like masturbation, I'm so broken, in so many pieces, in such drastic measurements, in such emptiness. Convince me otherwise temporarily as I do myself, once you or I get off opinions will change. Reality will come back and prevail, control and show itself proudly.
I'm sick
So sick
Of everything, from everything, as a result of natural flow and life.
It is.
Nevermind
I thought I found love but then I dropped it, I don't know where it went, it might have rolled under the fridge... Fuck it...
Now
I really want to start my life. I have so many visions and ideas. I need a partner though, I'd hate to admit. I think I may have one but it's not in stone. I'm lost with only an "idea" of what I want and must do. Things may implode once again and collapse but could equally blossom and explode in a vibrant glow of hope and destined happiness. It's one or the other...
I'm lost.
I do not know my next move. I'm a mess but with a vague plan. I have dreams with equal nightmares along side. My heart is barely a factor yet should be the drive.
I know nothing.
I've ruined everything.
Life could be wondrous.
My name is rubbish.
Help and I will please you.
Day and night
I don't want to sleep anymore, my dreams are haunting me. Pathetically tearing in my sleep. I don't cry, but apparently I do. Wretched saline wakes me in the night or encrusts my eyes as I find then un-openable in the morning. Horrible, horrible reality found in even the most mystical of worlds. Peace isn't found, it's all kind of a joke. I miss so much. It's driving me mad. Mostly sad...
How I miss that being, that beautiful form, that soul that connected me. She is so gone, so hateful of myself. It is so hard to give up but so rational and correct, yet so completely wrong.
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