Holy shit, why am I still here? I have no idea what is happening to me or my life anymore. I feel like I have no control at all. Everything important is slipping away. Even the simple shit I expected was guaranteed not to leave me is going or gone. I don't understand what I have really done to deserve this. I am against towering odds, nothing is ever as simple as it seems, everything hurts more than expected. There are virtually no goals or reason any more.
I have always enjoyed attacking the challenges life throws, especially that feeling of achievement and grand esteem after destroying one's problem, but when your whole life can be basically described as one big fucking problem it may just be too much. There is no solid object left to cling to, no fallback safety measure or reliable structure of any kind. Nothing is of any certainty. I can't even tell when something good happens or something was done right. Even accomplished goals are invisible or just quickly snubbed out by overlapping moments of complete frustration and failure.
Am I the only one on this sinking ship?
Am I the only desperate soul left alone in a deserted wasteland with one bullet?
What motivates survival when you don't even know why you're alive? If this is all the meaning I have left then I have lost.
