current
My confusion only grows. Of who I am am, what I am worth. I get swarmed by little hotties begging to know me, offering to pose nude for me and my art, actually wanting me purely based on so little. Yet the one I long for, desire and obsess over, thinks of me repulsive, unnattractive and useless. Am I truly unlovable? Am I wanted, or not? It seems I am worthy on some level, yet all I experience is blatent rejection. I sit here now with no friends, no love, no replenishment of the daily drains of existence. I am not a part of anything. My relationships are only within my mind and I hate that guy.
Lose
I'm too rational a thinker in some ways. To plan a future from this point is bleak, bland and greatly disheartening. Rationally, I must know who I am, how easily I fail and accept odds. I see nothing but the pleasures I bring myself, which are far from enough and, of course, lack any intensity.
This gives me vision of dark places in which my clouded, chemically operated mind brings me my reality. Alone, filth, empty. Barely existing.
This gives me vision of dark places in which my clouded, chemically operated mind brings me my reality. Alone, filth, empty. Barely existing.
Fuck it
I have no idea what it feels like to be loved and/or respected. A long, empty, unrewarded, unfulfilled life of nothingness is all I have experienced. I offer nothing, deserve nothing, and only feel pain and destitution. I don't know why I am here or ever was. I no longer want anything, I have no dreams, no goals, no future.
I don't want to overcome, figure anything out or even fucking live.
I don't want to overcome, figure anything out or even fucking live.
Done
I fucking hate this life with all that is left of me. I feel nothing in this world, no attachment or reason of any kind. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck off all of you.
14 a.m.
This unfulfilled feeling is becoming too much. There seems no reason for anything, effort, thought, even existing once again has no reasoning.
Drive continues, it seems to come natural. I think I'm just trying to stay busy enough not to think, dwell or dream. I'd rather just be working than sinking into the dark crevasses of reality.
Still, drive must lead to something.
All I ever do is drive. I can't even get an occasional rest stop or welcome center in which to break the rut and release some energy. I've nothing.
Running out of fuel as well.
A short trip is inevitable with no fuel. My simple drive comes of nothing. No motivational emotional outside forces pushing or pulling things my way. No bright, beautiful goal just ahead, calling to me with want and need of my grandeur. No visions, no soul. Nothing.
For now, the trip continues. Ignore the gauges and alertive chimes warning of dismal failures sure to come.
Just drive...
Drive continues, it seems to come natural. I think I'm just trying to stay busy enough not to think, dwell or dream. I'd rather just be working than sinking into the dark crevasses of reality.
Still, drive must lead to something.
All I ever do is drive. I can't even get an occasional rest stop or welcome center in which to break the rut and release some energy. I've nothing.
Running out of fuel as well.
A short trip is inevitable with no fuel. My simple drive comes of nothing. No motivational emotional outside forces pushing or pulling things my way. No bright, beautiful goal just ahead, calling to me with want and need of my grandeur. No visions, no soul. Nothing.
For now, the trip continues. Ignore the gauges and alertive chimes warning of dismal failures sure to come.
Just drive...
Status
I'm not suicidal, however, If the opportunity to die poetically, or with purpose, shows itself, I will not pass it up.
inside
The only reason I could believe there is such a thing as a soul, is, I cannot describe the thing that is now missing within me.
I feel a void to my core. Hollow, functioning from the outside, sometimes even quite well, but a strange darkness where reason of some sort once resided.
It's not depression, depression cripples, it won't allow such operation or confusion. Expression is still possible in cases of depression but this void never fills with such things that seemed to originate there in the past.
So now that this thing is gone, whatever it may be, am I soon to go as well? Significant in its purpose, meaning, drive, want and need, have I droned?
Am I nothing now?
I am my job and where I live? That's fucking it?
I sure the fuck lost something...
I feel a void to my core. Hollow, functioning from the outside, sometimes even quite well, but a strange darkness where reason of some sort once resided.
It's not depression, depression cripples, it won't allow such operation or confusion. Expression is still possible in cases of depression but this void never fills with such things that seemed to originate there in the past.
So now that this thing is gone, whatever it may be, am I soon to go as well? Significant in its purpose, meaning, drive, want and need, have I droned?
Am I nothing now?
I am my job and where I live? That's fucking it?
I sure the fuck lost something...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)