Retro Hope

If there is any way to re-gain those times of hope, infused with life's lessons since, there may be a completion of a positive circle.
Something is always missing, something is always lacking, but often inhibitions prevalent are not the same. The things lacked, are later found to be in surplus. It is as though it is a mere misalignment of voids and peaks. At any given moment, you are simply not good enough.

thoughts

A brief vision

Holding you tight, feeling your body pressed to mine, our hearts aligned, your skin, your scent, your hand firmed to my chest, it was the most intense, alive, whole and purposed, the most pure and right, that I have felt in all my life.

It sparked an urge and certainty to make the most vivid love to you. To feel your body and soul from within. To experience you, your body and existence.

a day

So this time it’s 36. Truly one of my saddest days. I have a few memorable days of deepest despair. It was even reminiscent of 18, an odd and disturbing perspective. I remember at 18, feeling worthless, wasted and void of a future of any worth. How profound, how real. 18 years ago I wanted to die, give up, I had nothing and was nothing, now 18 years later, a whole second lifetime later, where am I? much the same, though learned of the further desperate realities of life and the world, still a simple waste, a waste of another 18 years, a waste of another lifetime. I have done nothing, I still am no one.

spilling nothing

I am in a haze. I do not feel anything. It is odd really. I felt as though I was leaving everything. I felt as I was no one. Among no one. Gone. I have to do something, I cannot just sit here fucked up and zoned on colored light.

How could I possibly write anything?

I do not know who I am, I feel nauseas, it is s the closest condition to an emotion I have right now. I wish it would go away. I am so fucked. My mind is fucked. I am in far too deep.

I rejected some toxins, I am clearer now. Now to thought. This clarity brings to mind that I should not even be typing, I find this irritating and it takes the personal touch from any real ideas. I need a fuller expressive experience. I need to write, in pen or old classic graphite on parchment, lined flatness, or textured canvas. Script itself is art; it often shows the emotion as clearly as the words themselves. Arranged sticks and swirls, displayed on sheets have their own visual appeal, if it can be translated into an actual language, then understood with some kind of validity, it becomes two forms of expression. And with that thought, I am off to get my ledger and graphite.

to me

It is very, very sad. True, unavoidably so. It is over and gone. I am no longer in stages of drama; it cannot be thought of, considered or dwelled upon. It cannot be saved. It is not a matter of winning or losing, reason or fight. The soul has left, if it was ever there, it certainly is no longer. It is not a matter of anything coming back, or re-firing and forging. No scenarios encourage success. Things cannot be returned, re-directed, or forgotten. It is not a matter of hopelessness anymore, but of brutal, cold acceptance.

My life must be lived now. I must grow as me and I alone. The primary focal point is now perpetually blurred beyond any level of adjustment or regard to distance. The most important things known to the world must now be the least important, the forgotten and unneeded things. Yes, this world has changed, it is hollow and tastelessly different. It is up to I alone to create a new one, one of me, one of self-preservation, one of happiness with my existence.

I must forget who I was, what I wanted and dreamt of. I must let it all go, most importantly, I must let myself go.

And go I shall...

Drastic changes must be made

No more nicotine: cut way back at minimum

You are not wanted-let it go

You are alone: accept it

Drop all consideration of suicide-not an option

Resist impulses, the dangerous ones

Money: get real job, sell some shit (art)?

Structure-repair schedule of day/night

Plan-stop wasting days and weeks of no accomplishment

Overwhelmed: too much to do. too much want, too much need and far too much is wrong

Refocus: forget about your heart, there is no soul

Appearance:dress like a member of society

Health: eat normally, drink normally, avoid the toxins and chemicals

Pleasure is subjective,so is its need

Cut back on the drugs, resist the urge to go deeper

Live life: do something, anything, experience something

Anger: stop hating yourself and the world

Racing thoughts clouding the mind-relax, stupefy yourself, forget everything, just be

Stop breaking: progress is repeatedly lost and painful releases do not motivate

Remember that nothing matters. Just do. Nothing is on its way so do not concern yourself with receiving.

You must go on.