I'm so confused, frustrated and lost. I fear so much but don't really give a fuck equally. I can't think, I can't read, concentrate? Absolutely not.

Why am I typing this shit out?

I'm too torn between worlds to know anything, I feel so empty.

I just need some money. Really, that's it, it always is. You really can buy it all, it's required, everything is tagged. In the end you'll never get a good deal either.

It's bullshit that I am still here.

I puked on myself in the night. Woke to a wine stained pillow. Oh these peaks.

As I lay on an elevated board, in twists of random fabrics and a dog the size of a horse, the stillness, the silence, the overwhelming emptiness; of literal and to ones core, it's driving me mad.

Dear fuck, this is a process. The stages are short and repetitive. Every minute to the next is unpredictable. I cannot even think.
Pill

Sleep is welcomed, but not as easy as it looked sketched out on blocks of wood.

Lost, so lost

Pills and wine.

list

Loaf
PB
pepsi
something cheap and filling
Cheese
poison

Cycles, circles and vortex

So begins a whole new cycle, a decent and rise, brilliance and idiocy, love, hate, life and death.
Where will all this take me? Where will I take it?
What have I done? Oh, fuck, what have I done?
To sit and melt, to speed and burn, to drown?
Again, I must ride this thing because of me. Again, I see no point.

As definitive as could ever be. Gone.

Detention

So it is, it has and it was. Here it is.

$3

Everything is simple and just fine.

Be

All things must change, tonight is a beginning.

No shit? Are you fucking kidding me?

Since

You

It is

Long road to normal. I'm on an eighth of a tank and with a flat tire...

Keep your head up

Strangest of days

I believe I am now feeling every single human emotion at varying levels of intensity, all at the same time, all grouped together into a single entity. Seeming to bubble and churn, fighting with one another, struggling to be the dominant drive.

It's not too bad, considering...

Beneath it all, I have a grand yearning to break free, explode out, I just have no idea if it will be in a positive or negative way, if it will enlighten me or destroy me.
I really don't seem to know a damn thing right now.
I will continue on. Do as I do, excel when I must, fail when it doesn't matter and be as I am.
I am nothing more than me now.

Oh the cold, dark rain of the night. Snaps, ticks and crackles from sill to infinity. Try harder to hear the furthest most and the heaviest. Identify the tone and pitch of the materials and textures they collide with at the end of their journeys.Thousands upon thousands of drops, each making contact with the earth in its own specific place and with its own distinct sound. Pick each one out, label it, tag it, name it. Determine the landscape surrounding in your mind by theses learnings. This will create a more useful and pleasing view of the world around you at this moment.

Rest in indifference.

Writer; master of poetry and expression

Strong man of valor and value

Intellectual

Focus and perseverance

Master of form, a powerful  sculptor

Grip on reality

Pure of heart

Filled of brilliant conversation and thought

Endless triumphant successes

Pioneer of his field

Great academic achievement

Timely

Reliable

Body of a mythological god

Loved by all

Radiated a seductive sexual aura          ...irresistible to women

Never missed an opportunity to express ...romance and love

Grand, bright soul

Always, deeply happy

Today II

Oh, but I am still here. I've been fighting it so long, I do not want to give up. I have no choice, no control. My future and fate have been determined by others. I am powerless. Such a shameful thing to admit. I've only ever encountered short periods of power and control. I deserve more. However at this point, there is none to be had. No hope to be found in any glimmer of slips from speech. No accidental embrace of fuzzy memories, bringing smiles and a pop in my soul. No sit down proposal of upcoming chapters and the plot intended. No more scent of warm skin. No more depth. No more feeling.

Today

I am done with this. All of this. Done with thought, hope, ideas, dreams, curiosities, experiences, work, play, fuck, seeing, hearing, feeling, this whole fucking world. I am done.