What the fuck have I done? I chose the worst paths possible. There is no solid employment as an artist, my fall back is construction, equally as stupid, one cannot keep a job in this region. Even best case, such as a union gig, its job to job, constant layoffs when the project is done. I am "worth" so much with my experience but no one gives a fuck. Why am I awake at 5 am without having to go to work? I completely fucked up. that's why. I was so against the computer age at a time when if I had embraced it, I would have been a leader in my field. I loved so much taking photography classes in high school but my senior year they weren't even offered anymore because digital and computer tech had taken over.I missed it, I denied it, I considered myself a purist when all I really was is a fool. No more developer and stop bath, not even a dark room for fucks sake.
So many wrong turns.
Where the hell is my baby?
Where the hell is my life?
Who the fuck am I?
If I had had a single focus on even the most mundane of careers or dreams I would be a grand success by now, I am old and over. My "loser" friends, even the drug addicted "gangsta" types have happy little families and homes by now. I have nothing. NOTHING! just a loving dog and a few trinkets of memories of good times when things didn't matter.
I don't understand it, I thought I was a good man, a hard worker with a good heart, I care about others and want to make the world better for all. Ive done nothing to fall into this category. I am nothing but love and care for the world around me. I am true of heart.
I like working hard, I like to earn things rightfully and pass on anything I can to others but I cannot even take care of myself or those literally closest to me. I cannot even show my love to my sweet pup.
I have such greatness inside me but no one will ever see it.
I have lost anything I have even come close to having. My soulmate, my second chance even left me, my old dreams, my new dreams I was forced to accept and run with, they have all left me...
I cling to the most simplest and worthless of things, I can have a deep, intellectual discussions on a wide range of discussions focused on art, politics, life and cosmic existence, I look good in a suit, I can work unbelievably hard in the most physical scenarios, I have skills and talents that surprise all, even me. these things mean nothing, however. Am I great? Of course not, I have done nothing.
I have helped no one, I have made no difference in this world.
I rescued a dog from depressing streets and gave him a loving home but even he is anti-social and selfish, more than even I.
It is too late, it really is. I remember when I turned 30, justifying that some great men took that long to be who they were but that was long ago. I feel hated and worthless now.
There really is something wrong with me, not a simple pill solved issue but a real core of who I am.
It is hard though, I am no drug addict, not a loser kind of criminal type, I am good, full of love and kindness, striving to make a difference beyond myself. I am not saying I deserve anything but I should have opportunity, a chance to make a difference, even if only through art and expression that I feel great passion and understanding of.
I want to call out to my love, let me show you.
It is all gone and cannot happen.
I did it all wrong. Every move was wrong, every idea was bad, all my dreams were ridiculous.
No one cares either so I do not know why I sit here typing away these stupid words.
Talk to me, tell me it's ok and you want my dreams to be true, you believe in me as I do not.
It's ok, I don't need you, I don't need anyone or anything.
Good day to you all...
