Unexpected situations
Things are reversed in odd ways, new versions of old hopes, more energy than time, companies and individuals owe ME money of significant number, considerable respect, accomplishment, strange hope.
Is this another false clinging to a few profound words, maybe even accidental ones? Is this just another path to a painful, poor choice based on heart driven madness and passion that is truly one sided nothingness to be played?
I can do absolutely anything, even be the best, but is it really just to fuel it with such passion? There are reasons to do right, passion brings the greatest results, and usually very quickly, but if left incomplete, could be the most destructive, damaging experience of a lifetime.
lets us just "do right" and see what happens. Good men achieve their true, deepest dreams of happiness, correct? It is my understanding that things must work this way in some karmic, epic movie-ending like way.
Somehow I will have this.
Is this another false clinging to a few profound words, maybe even accidental ones? Is this just another path to a painful, poor choice based on heart driven madness and passion that is truly one sided nothingness to be played?
I can do absolutely anything, even be the best, but is it really just to fuel it with such passion? There are reasons to do right, passion brings the greatest results, and usually very quickly, but if left incomplete, could be the most destructive, damaging experience of a lifetime.
lets us just "do right" and see what happens. Good men achieve their true, deepest dreams of happiness, correct? It is my understanding that things must work this way in some karmic, epic movie-ending like way.
Somehow I will have this.
cracked
I am all over with worthless emotion and absurd dreams. I cannot give, I know I must, I have been nothing but trying for so long, it's not in me, it is too true and too real to deny it. I cannot stand it, it is the greatest feeling in the world, the most wretched, painful pleasure of any kind. It sickens me and makes me stronger. It drives me and collapses my whole being. It is my core and my fraudulent shell.
Cured, in temperary bursts.
Another slump of blatant failure, many influences to descend but a drive to not let it. Finding no "other worldly" ways to block it, it is time for another long, draining and charging bender. The alcoholic benders, the three day parties, the sexcapades, etc., must alternate with each other. Which brings me to the all important work bender. A few weeks of constant, intense, focus on important jobs, projects and ideas breaking through and accomplished. I am back to juggling three jobs and I have added at least two other serious personal projects in the mix, such as prep for a gallery and even some fucking expression. Weekends are just days. Sunlight is unnecessary. Sleep is such a waste. I wonder where I could be if I kept my head straight and just knew how to balance all of this shit. If I didn't crash. I have a headache.
Well this is a fucking joke.
A pathetic rut of repetitive disappointment. I do not know what to feel anymore. I cannot see anything solidly sure of a future other than the failures and shortcomings sure to come.
My heart still belongs in a place it will never be, my mind is only free in a world that no longer exists.
I feel empty, as I should and always will.
My heart still belongs in a place it will never be, my mind is only free in a world that no longer exists.
I feel empty, as I should and always will.
H B day...
I have no future, no career, no prospects, my soul mate said "fuck you", I have no children, I have little to no physical possessions (even fewer I care about) and nothing to show for thirty-fucking-seven years of existence, at least twenty years of effort with nothing to say or be as a result. I'm nothing at this point, I'd rather be bitching about my "settled" life and it's mild pleasures but instead I have nothing but regret and loss. Nothing. Oh fuck, nothing.
Here again
There's nothing like that Sunday morning crash of reality engaging crippling depression and a new found emptiness.
You miserable little prick
I cannot breathe, the clouds are growing and building a pressure that cannot be contained or released. Rolls of transparent thought trickle and serpentine the filthy textures of warm existence. Passages enclose further, restrict what little flow there once was. Electric nails prod and scratch where stones meet. There's an annoying haze on everything.
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